Thursday, February 23, 2012


I've been working towards this scene for a while; it's a pretty emotional situation.  I'm not sure I did it justice, but I hope that if I didn't, you can use your imagination a bit.  Try to put yourself in that character's shoes.

As for the experiment, I think it's making me a better writer.  Sometimes, I have trouble finding a cut-off point for a particular scene, but with this, I'm finding that I can end a scene anywhere I want.  And then I can take it wherever I want.  I don't have to show everything.  I don't have to do anything but convey emotion to make it a good story.  And that's fun.  Different than my typical style, but fun all the same.

Hope it's fun for you all too!


I remember the firs time I looked in the mirror, and I realized that I had breasts.  It's such a vivid memory, you know.  You'd think that I would have been looking for the changes every day, but my life at that time was really, really busy.  I had photo shoots.  I had movies to film.  Basically, I had a very full itinerary (they didn't want me to lack for things to do), so I just didn't have time to think about it very much.

Anyway, it happened when I first got out of bed one morning.  I leaned over, and I felt it -- there was a slight weight on my chest.  It wasn't big or distracting; it was just there.  It all came crashing down in my mind then.  I reached up, and cupped a distinct breast.  It's not like it was big or anything -- it wasn't even an A cup.  But it was a breast all the same.  It was unmistakeable.

Even so, I had to see it to believe it.  Mere touch wouldn't be enough.  So I went to my trusty bathroom mirror, and sure enough, there they were -- two budding breasts.  My nipples had grown slightly darker as well.

I didn't know how to feel about it.  I thought I wanted them.  It made so much sense when I thought about it rationally.  But it's one thing to decide to take hormones; it's something completely different to actually see the results.  I was so confused back then; I had no idea who I was.  Sure, I put on a brave face.  I acted so confident in my decisions, but at the end of the day, I wasn't sure about anything.  I didn't know if I wanted my body to change.  I didn't know that I really wanted to be in pornographic movies.  I didn't even know for sure if I preferred men or women.

All of that uncertainty battled in my mind as I looked at my new, budding breasts.

Is it true that our actions define us?  I don't know.  I've done a lot of things that I didn't really want to do at the time.  Have I always been scared to say no?  There's such a disconnect between what I do and what I think that sometimes, I don't even know what's real.  Am I simply a worrisome person?

As the doubts built to a crescendo, I couldn't help it.  I burst into tears.  To this day, I'm not sure what upset me so much; the decisions were made.  I had committed to the course.  And outwardly, I wanted it.  But then there were the tears, those damning tears. 

Did it mean that I didn't want my body to change?  I don't know.

I think I cried for almost an hour.  At some point, I moved from the bathroom to the bed, but I don't remember how.  So there I was, naked and curled up on my bed, crying my eyes out.  And the cameras caught every single moment.

I think that's when the program changed from simple novelty porn to something else.  Had they banked on something like that?  I don't know.  But how could they have known?

In that moment, though, I became a person to the audience.  I wasn't just some swishy little porn star.  I was just a boy going through an extremely difficult time, a time of change. 

Could I have done it again, if I tried?  Probably not.  Would I have let go if I had even remembered that the cameras were there?  Definitely not.  But it happened, and that day changed my life in incalculable ways.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent! This chapter is a perfect piece of the story considering the character I could see this happening. Very nicely done.