This is pretty much MY story, Nikki..........yet, I STILL haven't managed to clear the hurdle of saying, "Fuck it.....I NEED to do whatever makes ME happy, no matter what". I truly hope that I can get to that point someday, but until then I'll just keep on trying to make it through each day, one at a time.
As sad as it is, that's not uncommon. I hope that you get there one day (or that society gets to the point where "fuck it" isn't necessary for people to choose to live their lives the way they want). But until then, you have whatever support that I (and this community, such as it is) can give. Good luck.